If I can pause and notice my reaction then I can decide if this reaction is serving me or hindering me.

To add to the tension of being stuck in traffic, my phone was dead. There was no way to call and talk to anyone or do a quick look at my e-mails while I was sitting there. And my frustration was increasing as I thought about the time going by that was taking away from my time to re-group when I arrived home before rushing off to my next appointment. Thankfully, in the pause, I recognized that I had my time right here, in the car, I could do some deep breathing and regroup sitting here while I waited for the traffic to eventually clear.

It was more productive to focus on my breath and my gratitude than the tension filled chatter in my head of how the traffic/city engineers needed to fix the very poorly timed lights of this intersection or that I wish I’d remembered my phone power car plug so that I could be making a phone call during this time, etc…

Oh the chatter that the mind can create! It’s amazing. But, when I pause, I notice it and can decide if the automatic judgements that pop up are serving me.

I shifted out of judgement about messed up intersection light timing to gratitude that I was not inconveniencing anyone because I had the time before my next appointment. And even if this traffic was going to cause me to be late, how would being tense about it help the situation?

This little pause resulted in an extra few minutes of powerful breathing in the moment and then going on with my routine with a smile on my face. In prior times, when I didn’t pause, I would have had a scowl and may have even let it ruin my mood for a while or the rest of the day or arrived later so frazzled that I then had to take more time to unwind before becoming productive.

What a difference the little pause of self awareness has made for me in my moods, work productivity and relationships. It is life changing. Here’s to you finding your pause of self awareness and its power to improve your work and life. 

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Here are some other resources that help me continue to find my daring way and I hope they help you:

• Empathy – Listening with empathy, especially if you disagree. Dr. Brene Brown’s research gives these attributes of practicing empathy and she emphasizes that it is a practice (meaning: doing it, messing up, doing it again): 1. Perspective taking: Take their perspective, reflecting back your understanding of their view, not reiterating my own views, 2. Stay out of judgment: this can be challenging if you think their view is wrong or a polar opposite of yours, 3. Recognize their emotion: notice what they are feeling, 4. Communicate emotion: Reflect back with your own feelings (“It is challenging/frustrating/painful”) 5. Mindfulness: Stay in the present moment with full attention to the feelings that are arising and not going to the past or future.
• Do something helpful for someone else. Last week I had some turmoil swirling around in my head and it all went away when I focused on helping a friend with a challenge. I felt refreshed and at peace. Positive psychology research has scientifically shown how acts of kindness, generosity or support of others rewire your brain. And I love how the Dalai Lama and Arthur Brooks articulate this in this NY Times editorial.
• Ask for what you need. And for me, and for many of you I suspect, it is easier to offer support rather than ask for it. It can be as simple as asking a friend to take a break from bringing up the political challenges in discussions for a while. I asked him to talk to his other friends about it as it just wasn’t helpful for me to rehash the same issues again and it was bringing me down.

How do you continue to courageously find your way in the midst of turmoil? I’d love your insights in a comment here! 

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1. Own Your Value and Power

You have power through your character (confidence, trust, authenticity, integrity) and power that is based on what you’ve accumulated via assets or position (money, societal or organizational influence). Think about the pop/movie stars and organizational/political leaders who have the assets or positional power and yet squander it away because their character is one of low value. Or a friend or leader that you would follow into a burning building based on their character and trust they have earned; that is power.

2. Be Brave: Take a Stand For What You Believe In

Be brave and speak up, ask for what you need and speak for those that don’t have the power to do so, take action. Don’t give up and use that popular saying, “It is what it is.” I don’t like that saying because it is easy and comfortable to sit back and complain. Being brave means feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable to criticism and then doing it anyway.  And it’s important to do this while you’re doing number 3 and 4 (below) or it will appear you’re standing there complaining more loudly or acting out of self serving motives.

3. Empathize & Acknowledge Their Value

My friend who posted the Wired article wrote that Taylor Swift is “textbook classy.” Someone who appears classy is someone who is standing up for themselves and what they need while they are sincerely (no empty platitudes) praising the other person (or business) about what they’re doing well. The author of the article explains that the new Apple music streaming service told all the artists that they would not pay royalties to them during the first three months of their new service when they were offering it free to the public. Swift wrote, ““I find it to be shocking, disappointing, and completely unlike this historically progressive and generous company (Apple)…”

If you go the other way and shame them for their terrible choice or decision (even when well justified: Apple has billions in cash and is the largest corporation in the world at $700Billion) then you’re pushing them into a position of digging in their heels and you may look like a bully.

Did you see that video that was being sent around of the mother grabbing and smacking her son for his rioting in Baltimore? No one described her as classy; there were a lot of cheers for her stopping him but as Dr. Brené Brown writes in her book, Daring Greatly, “…shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better…Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying” In her twelve years of research she found that, “…there is no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior…Shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.” Unfortunately that Mother’s act of shaming her son will probably result in his committing additional violent acts, not less, and those cheering her on are inadvertently (and naively) adding to the problem.

4. Make a Request or Suggest a Solution That is Win/Win

As I read more about this 25-year old pop star, Taylor Swift, I gain respect for her courage and character in standing up for what she believes in and generously giving to those around her.  Swift wrote, “…these are not the complaints of a spoiled, petulant child. These are the echoed sentiments of every artist, writer and producer in my social circles who are afraid to speak up publicly because we admire and respect Apple so much. We simply do not respect this particular call… Apple with all due respect, it’s not too late to change this policy and change the minds of those in the music industry who will be deeply and gravely affected by this. We don’t ask you for free iPhones. Please don’t ask us to provide you with our music for no compensation.” She also said she would pull her top-of-the-charts album from their service. Within 24-hours Apple changed their policy to pay all the artists their royalties; clearly they can afford it and it is more aligned with their values that Swift so powerfully acknowledges in her request.

Swift’s words and actions are an inspiring example of owning your own power, standing up for yourself and others who can’t, recognizing their strengths and then making a request that is win/win. I look forward to where else her powerful internalGPS® leads her as she continues on her path. I’m inspired by her leadership; she’s gained a new follower and fan.

Photo Credit: David Shankbone via Flickr creative commons

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It comes natural to me, imagining things better. Not to imply that anything is bad, just that I regularly catch myself imagining them better.

It happens in little ways like my friend’s ladder to look over her block fence at the neighbor’s yard. My imagination was filled with an interesting yard with beautiful plants and an area for the big pig that she had heard grunting (the reason for looking). I was surprised to see the brown over-grown mess of a yard when I peaked over (and darn, no pig in sight). Later I wondered at the very different picture I had in my head.

It happens in big ways like my staying in a marriage with a man who I kept seeing with all this potential because I saw glimpses of his genius and big heart. In hindsight, the reality was much different and it was not a good thing for either of us that I preferred staying in my imagination. I’ve learned a lot (painfully) from this over application of my strength (magically turning it to weakness). One of my favorite quotes: “When people show you who they are, believe them.” – Maya Angelou

And my “imagining better” happens in a million different ways in between. I recall being excited every time an reorganization was announced in my past big corporate jobs. Many of my colleagues were worried while I was imaging all the ways it would be better.

It turns out this natural way of seeing the best or imagining better in situations and others is exactly what is needed to be a powerful Coach. Who wouldn’t want someone coaching you who see’s your best even when you don’t see it for yourself? Or who can look at a glimmer of an idea you have and help you imagine all the amazing things you will do.

And yet, it’s a stretch of my courage to share this with you as it doesn’t feel like a “super power” to me, it feels like its something I just have always done. Naturally. And once I get past that, then I feel like I’m boasting, “oh look at me and what I do!”

Have you ever done that? Downplayed what you do well? It’s just not helpful, choose to be courageous, be kind and keep sharing your talents; it’s just so much better.

How can I help you find your way to better?

photo credit: Flickr creative commons, edward musiak

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This time of year in Phoenix always brings up memories of Spring Training Baseball games. My first experience was decades ago when my boss invited my work-team out to a game. I was not all that thrilled. I had a lot to do and was not a big fan of baseball; it was one more thing getting in the way of my ability to get everything done.  Thankfully, I was talked into going and as I was enjoying the big blue sky, a cold beer and talking and laughing with my coworkers, I wondered how I possibly could have resisted it so much.

I am grateful for all the great bosses I’ve had in the past, those that knew we would accomplish more by taking a break. Those that knew how valuable and important it was to build connections with each other so that we could meet and exceed our business goals.

In her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection” Dr. Brené Brown explains, “…we are hard wired for connection. It’s in our biology…we need connection to thrive emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually.” She explains that years ago this may have been perceived as “touchy-feely” but now we know it to be hard science that is backed up with Neuroscience research.

The research shows that having strong social connections leads to higher levels of physical, mental and emotional health. Who doesn’t want more of that on their team? Can you imagine saying, “Uh, no, I’d prefer to have a team of employees with physical, mental and emotional challenges…”

So, which game are you taking your team to? I hope to see you there.

Read more about research from Stanford University here: Social Connection Improves Physical Health and Mental and Emotional Well-Being. ” One landmark study showed that lack of social connection is a greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure.”

photo credit: Tom Heinze via Flickr Creative Commons

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A few weeks ago, I posted about “Coaching Strong Leaders” and how being vulnerable increase your authenticity as a leader. Unfortunately, if done the wrong way it can backfire and do the opposite of what you intend. I once knew of  a leader who encouraged me and others to be more open and sharing and yet he did not demonstrate this at all. This made him come across as a hypocrite and undermined his trust with me and the rest of the team. In this great Harvard Business Review article, “Be Yourself, But Carefully” by Lisa Rosh and Lynn Offerman they call this type of leader a “Social Engineer” and explain that this is one of five different ways leaders that can mess up their ability to lead by not being self aware.

The article is worth the read if you want to learn more how to be a stronger leader, here’s a quick summary of the five step path they outline in the article:

1. Become more self aware. Blind spots and not understanding how your intentions are coming across can undermine any of your actions and decrease trust. Hire a Coach and have them help you do a 360 assessment.

2. Assess the relevance of your sharing to the task you are taking on. If you’re doing it to move a goal forward, great! If you’re doing it for self promotion, stop that!

3. Stick to the facts. It may be tempting to embellish the facts a bit to better fit the situation but this will cause more harm than good.

4. Know your culture. How do people operate in your company culture; observe the level of candor and align appropriately. It is especially important to adjust if in a global context, know if you’re dealing with collective (Japan, China) or individualistic (U.S. Europe) societies

5. Timing is important. If you share too much personal information too soon you’ll come across as awkward or worse yet, needy. “Intimate stories strengthen relationships; they don’t establish them.”

Here’s to programming your internalGPS to be a stronger, more vulnerable and more authentic leader!

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And yet, here I was half way around the world, successfully participating in big business meetings with colleagues, engaging my analytical brain and putting on my suit every morning. It couldn’t hurt to have the Chinese symbol for “Courage” hanging around my neck. If it were possible,  I would have also purchased a mask that kept a great professional look on my face, you know that “I’ve got it all together!” look. Actually, I already owned that mask and I was good at keeping it on. I wanted to be that great strong “real” leader who people wanted to follow. My mask was doing the opposite, keeping people at a distance and made me more of a “task master” than an inspiring leader. And oh, was it ever exhausting! This Harvard Business Review blog post describes the mask metaphor well, “Leaders Drop Your Masks.”

It would be a few years before I realized how my mask and “supposed to” ideas of having it all together were doing the opposite of my intentions as a leader. It started to come off when I had to do layoffs: I communicated with empathy and even a few tears. And I hired a Coach who helped make me aware of the mask and how it was not serving me.

Now, I’m thrilled to be coaching leaders and professionals on how they can be themselves, be vulnerable and be stronger leaders. I’m grateful for the time I had wearing my mask, as it has made me a better Coach and I notice now when I’m starting to put it back on. I love this quote from Dr. Brené Brown,

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Of course, this does not mean going into a business meeting and baring my soul about wanting to crawl under that rock to rest. Over sharing also drives people away; it’s about letting people see that you’re not perfect and have challenges, being vulnerable, that inspires them to follow you and paradoxically makes you look stronger.

What masks have you worn to protect your vulnerability? How did you manage to take it off?
PS –  I still wear the necklace, especially when I feel like I may be tempted to put on a mask to look good or gain approval, like when I go on a date.

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I’m still very aligned with my mission: internalGPS® is the resource for business leaders and professionals who want to live the life of their dreams.

The shift in my path is in how I’m executing my mission. I’ve discovered the power of the research of Dr. Brené Brown to help me deliver my mission and I am now certified to facilitate The Daring Way. I’m still offering my one-on-one Coaching and other consulting and workshops while I incorporate this research into these areas, along with facilitating these powerful workshops.

“The Daring Way is a highly experiential methodology based on the research of Dr. Brené Brown. The method was developed to help men, women, and adolescents learn how to show up, be seen, and live braver lives. The primary focus is on developing shame resilience skills and developing a courage practice that transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead.”

Part of my new “courage practice” is to begin posting here again. It may not seem like it, but when writing stops for many months it takes courage and a leap of faith to show up, be seen, and start typing these words again.

What have you been wanting to do but haven’t yet mustered up the courage to make the leap? Please share and we can support each other in moving forward.

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Pivotal Goal: Re-learn crocheting (I knew how to do it several decades ago) to expand my creativity, spend some more time with my Mom and help her get her mind off of her radiation treatment for breast cancer, and make some fun gifts for family and friends.

While I’m still on the path to accomplish all of those things, the bigger path I’m on right now is the path of learning how to fail and not give up. I have had to pull out the yarn of my project (a simple hat to get started) not once, not twice, but four times. So far. And I’ve really been trying hard. Paying close attention, counting each stitch, re-counting multiple times and yet I’ve messed it up a lot.

Failing and starting again with a renewed focus and no criticizing and shaming of past mistakes is a big challenge. It’s good to get this practice and see and feel how necessary it is to become better. Expecting to do it right and well the very first time when you are learning a new skill is a set up for a path that will not lead anywhere. I hear from clients, “Well if it doesn’t come easily then it must not be for me.” I disagree. Anyone who has put in years of practice in a skill will tell  you that it did not come easily at first. The more relevant questions are, “How does it make you feel? Are you excited to get started again and again? Or is it depleting you and no fun at all?”

If you want to be on the path to excellence then it better be in something that lights you up. I’m excited to see this finished crochet project, now if it were something else, like quilting, that does not excite me at all then I’d give up after the first fail.

What pivotal goal lights you up and will help you move your internalGPS forward toward your dreams?

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Earlier this week I did this with two volunteers at a speech I gave at a professional association conference. The volunteer with the twenty dollars offered two dollars. What would you say? Exactly, she said “No!” They both ended up with no money. In the study, about 50% offer ten dollars, everyone rejects an offer of three or less and most accept an offer of seven or more. This reflects our deeply held need for fairness. It’s human nature to reject an offer that is unfair even if it means you don’t end up with anything. It is sometimes easy to forget that people are often not logical, like machines, especially in a business environment that is focused on efficiency and continuous improvement.

When I coach people or conduct workshops I share studies like this to emphasize how important it is to take human needs or values into account. In that study, economists predicted that most people would offer one dollar, because that made logical sense, and boy were they ever wrong.

Deeply held human needs and values often defy logic, keep this in mind when you are programming your internalGPS for your journey that includes interacting with other humans (what journey doesn’t?).

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