In my prior “Hearts and Minds” post I explained the importance of understanding the emotional motivations for change along with the logical. In John Haidt’s book,” The Happiness Hypothesis” and he uses the great metaphor of an elephant for our emotional mind and the rider as the logical mind. Chip and Dan Heath borrowed this metaphor from Haidt (with his permission) for their great book, “Switch: How to Change When Change is Hard.” I am referring to these resources and others in my upcoming negotiations workshop that I am doing for the Institute of Supply Management. As I reviewed the materials I realized that these principals apply to a lot of different negotiations in addition to the business contracts that I’ll be focused on in my workshop.
We all negotiate many things every day with family, friends, and colleagues. So, next time you need to have a negotiation or conversation about a disagreement, consider how you can ESCAPE being trampled by the elephant (or emotional mind) and balance your emotions with the logical rider, for a better outcome and more thriving.
Explicit awareness of your emotions, write them down. Note theirs, and name how you are feeling and/or what you are feeling from them. This demonstrates confidence.
Separate people from issue. Be soft on people, hard on the issues. Be aware of your tone. Frame the negotiation as working together to solve a mutual challenge.
Control your fear: Don’t let your fear assume their intentions or overestimate their knowledge of your weakness.
Ask to understand, be curious. Don’t ask to prove you are right or they are wrong. Be curious and interested in really understanding them & their position.
Pause. If they become emotional, don’t react with more emotion that will escalate the emotions even further. Notice your emotions and then hit your “Pause Button” and let them get it out. If you feel your emotions rising too much, take a break away from the conversation or make a request to talk at a different time.
Empathize with their issue/situation. Acknowledge their beliefs and demonstrate that you understand their different point of view (without agreeing with it).
Of course, there is a lot more that could be written about each of these concepts: Explicit, Separate, Control, Ask, Pause, Empathize. If you have questions about any of them, please write a comment for all to learn from the conversation.
Here’s to thriving negotiations in all your disagreements!
photo credit via Flickr creative commons: timekin