1. Try and make them feel better by giving an example of how much worse it could be.
Business Example: “The failures of your product on our manufacturing line are causing us large increases in scrap costs.” A horrible reply would be, “Well it could be much worse, we could not be delivering at all” or “The failures are even worse over at company B.”
Personal Example: “I am so upset, I just found out that my friend was diagnosed with skin cancer.” It would not be good to reply with, “Well, most skin cancers are curable, let me tell you about my friend who got diagnosed with ovarian cancer that has a really high death rate.”
When someone gives you bad news or a situation that is painful for them (even if you think it should not be) then listen and express your concern that they are struggling with the situation. Consider asking some open ended questions to better understand or if you don’t know how to respond then state that and ask them what they would like you to do in response that would be supportive for them (it is dangerous to assume how they want you to respond).
2. Assume you know their issue and can help them with your excellent expertise. Thinking that because something worked well for you that it will work well for them is a common mistake. Instead, learn as much as you can about their issues and where they are coming from before offering any ideas on how to solve their challenge and even then, ask if they are open to hearing your ideas before suggesting them.
3. Quickly change the subject to something more positive to end your discomfort with what they are sharing. This will send a strong message that you do not value their issues and prefer to only focus on the positive aspects and will shut down future communication about challenges or issues. While no one enjoys ongoing whining about what is wrong, if you convey that you only want to hear the positives then the negatives will go “under the rug.” Not a helpful place for building strong relationships. Listen well with good eye contact and some nods of your head and when they stop talking wait another ten seconds to assure they are done before acknowledging the difficulty of the subject and asking any clarifying questions from a place of curiosity (not defensiveness).
Each of these actions that undermine trust are the opposite of being empathetic. Empathy is a powerful skill that can be learned and improved upon with practice for engaging your team more, creating strong win/win negotiations, and deepening personal relationships. I recently listened to an audio recording of Daniel Pink’s, “To Sell is Human” and he references research that shows that empathizing with what the other side is thinking is a very effective skill in negotiating. It is also helpful to understand the difference between sympathizing (which is divisive) and empathizing (which is inclusive). Here is a link to a great animated short that articulates this very well, brenebrown.com
I hate to admit it, but I have unwittingly done each one of these in the past and will probably mess up and do it again in the future. The difference is that now I follow up more quickly with an apology and try to re-establish a trusting conversation. I know that it is an ongoing process to learn how to empathize well so that my internalGPS leads me to stronger and more fulfilling personal and business relationships. Share how you have used this powerful skill in a comment so we can all learn.