If I can pause and notice my reaction then I can decide if this reaction is serving me or hindering me.

To add to the tension of being stuck in traffic, my phone was dead. There was no way to call and talk to anyone or do a quick look at my e-mails while I was sitting there. And my frustration was increasing as I thought about the time going by that was taking away from my time to re-group when I arrived home before rushing off to my next appointment. Thankfully, in the pause, I recognized that I had my time right here, in the car, I could do some deep breathing and regroup sitting here while I waited for the traffic to eventually clear.

It was more productive to focus on my breath and my gratitude than the tension filled chatter in my head of how the traffic/city engineers needed to fix the very poorly timed lights of this intersection or that I wish I’d remembered my phone power car plug so that I could be making a phone call during this time, etc…

Oh the chatter that the mind can create! It’s amazing. But, when I pause, I notice it and can decide if the automatic judgements that pop up are serving me.

I shifted out of judgement about messed up intersection light timing to gratitude that I was not inconveniencing anyone because I had the time before my next appointment. And even if this traffic was going to cause me to be late, how would being tense about it help the situation?

This little pause resulted in an extra few minutes of powerful breathing in the moment and then going on with my routine with a smile on my face. In prior times, when I didn’t pause, I would have had a scowl and may have even let it ruin my mood for a while or the rest of the day or arrived later so frazzled that I then had to take more time to unwind before becoming productive.

What a difference the little pause of self awareness has made for me in my moods, work productivity and relationships. It is life changing. Here’s to you finding your pause of self awareness and its power to improve your work and life. 

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In my first “real job” at Motorola, I and a coworker had a project to improve the cumbersome process for materials that were rejected for some reason or other and waiting on disposition from one of the Engineers. It was decades ago but I can still see and hear the strain in this little old man who ran this little room (picture a large walk-in closet with a half gated door with a hunched over little man who liked having control of his space), “Paula, she’s (my colleague) talking about completely changing everything and I just don’t know what to do, what she’s suggesting will be a disaster and I don’t know how to stop it…” I smiled and kindly reassured him that the changes we’re making will be positive. When I talked to her about his worries she replied, “I’m not trying to win a popularity contest.” Unfortunately, she missed the point of how building rapport and having people like you went a long way toward making business process changes possible.

This article from the Wall Street Journal, came across my screen recently, “Why Likability Matters More at Work.” It’s main point is that with our change in technology to more web-based video, it is more challenging to come across as likable. The Coach in the article recommends three things to increase your likability on camera, “1. Making eye contact, 2. smiling naturally, 3. varying your tone of voice to convey warmth and enthusiasm.”

These are also helpful off camera and it’s nice that these are teachable skills. Of course if you don’t build some trust and reputation as an expert who follows through then these things alone may only make you popular. My experience is that if you can build a reputation of competence, authenticity and curiosity about other view points and ideas then you will build a level of likability that can serve you in providing more opportunities for success.

If you are too concerned about your likability, you may end up “hustling for approval” as Dr. Brené Brown puts it, and this will take you in the wrong direction. Are your behaviors in alignment with your values? Or are you seeking approval or validation from that person you want to like you? In my earlier example, I kindly reassured the worried man but did not lead him to believe that we wouldn’t be making any changes or try and gain his approval (he would have been happiest and liked me more with no changes at all).

If you want to learn more about how to bravely step up and out while remaining likable, see my The Daring Way page for my next workshop.

Keep your internalGPS on track for more likability by practicing those three steps, continuing to grow your competence, keeping an open and curious mind and checking in with your values.

Photo from Flickr Creative Commons by Divine Harvester

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Mind mapping is a very versatile tool that I have found more effective than a traditional linear outline. I have used it for organizing a lot of data, planning out a speech or project, and brainstorming ideas to a problem. It is also a great tool for organizing notes from a book or article with the benefit of helping me remember the key points more easily. There are different software programs available; this is great article listing several, “Five Best Mind Mapping Tools” and I have found that using colored pens and a piece of paper the best tools for creating mine. The software is helpful if you are creating a map as a team and want the graphic up on the screen so that everyone can see (this is how I was first introduced to the tool, by one of my staff in my prior corporate role years ago).

What tools have you found useful in finding your way? Please share in a comment and give the mind map a try for assistance in programming your internalGPS!

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In 2008, a colleague announced that he was taking the voluntary severance and leaving. I was surprised, the volunteer severance was no better than the lay off severance and he was too young to retire. I asked him, “Was it a difficult decision?” I can still see the big smile that lit up his face, “No, not at all, in fact I’ve been planning this since the layoffs last year and I was afraid they weren’t going to offer it again.”

One of the most common topics that clients bring to me is their struggle and/or confusion about which path to take. Should I stay or should I go? Should I stand my ground or give in to that colleague who is disagreeing with me? Should I speak up when I know my boss is wrong or keep quiet and let her figure it out?

How do you know which way is the best way and avoid going off a cliff? Listen to your gut. Your head may logically reason you into a direction that you don’t really want to go; if you don’t tie your logic to your gut then you may find yourself on the edge of that cliff and going the wrong way.  Sometimes it takes some practice to hear your gut so that your choices are clear. And sometimes, while listening, you need to gather more information to choose the best path.

As I considered the path of leaving my corporate job and becoming an entrepreneur, I started listing all the things I loved about my current job, what I could do in my own business to incorporate all that I loved to do, all the financial actions I’d need to take to assure a good buffer of support, and finally I spent some quiet time just getting centered on what I really wanted and listening to my gut. This resulted in a path that was not easy but incredibly rewarding. If I had been only logical, then I never would have left and if I’d only listened to my gut then I would have left too soon or left to go down a path that was not the one I am on now.

The key is to balance your head with your gut so that you take your best path and then trusting you are on the right path, especially when it gets a little rough.

How has this worked for you? Please share in a comment!  

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Do you understand the messages you are sending with your eyes and how they impact your thriving? You may undermine your influence by focusing more on your electronic device or by looking down when you are forming your answer. If you hold direct eye contact you will come across as confident in your position (or whatever you are discussing), while if you pause and shift your gaze downward you will communicate weakness or disinterest. Also, if you continually focus on your phone or electronic tablet during a meeting, you will convey that the people in the room are not that important; this is magnified if you are a leader. I have coached executives on the message they are sending (“you’re not as important”) when they pay more attention to their phone/tablet than the person (or people) sitting in front of them.  This Wall Street Journal article, “Just Look Me in the Eye Already”  is a great quick read that explains how important eye contact is, especially in our increasingly virtual environment. Also, note the warnings about holding eye contact too long (to avoid the creepy look).

How will you use your eyes to thrive more this week? Please share your experience in a comment.

photo credit: Flicker creative commons, LifeSuperCharger

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I worked through a stressful situation with a client once that I could empathize with all too well. It was her pile. The pile itself was not the cause of her stress, it was all of her thoughts about the pile. “What is in there that I should have taken care of?” “How am I going to deal with it if I am late on something in that pile?” “What problems are lurking in that pile that I have ignored?” We talked through those underlying fears and then I asked her how she would feel if the pile were just gone. The big relief was obvious in her voice; she was being weighed down like that pile weighed a ton!

We talked through what she needed to do to get rid of the pile and keep it from coming back. She came up with a plan to allocate 15 minutes each day (her schedule was very full) to going through the pile and just listing what was there and then to start working the list. Of course, the list helped reduced the stress a lot because most of it was her imagination of what could be there. Your imagination is very powerful, both for the good and the bad. She then took additional steps to get rid of it and avoid it coming back in the future.

One of my “piles” right now is purchasing a new laptop and transferring everything from my current older laptop. If you love playing with technical things then this is not a stress pile for you; for me it is a small one that I just need to get done (that fear of my current lap top crashing lingers in the back of my mind and sometimes my imagination makes it into a much heavier pile).

Is there a pile of some sort in your life that is weighing you down? Take a minute and imagine how it will feel when you are rid of it. What small step can you take toward removing your pile to thrive more this week? Go do it.

photo credit to rosipaw via Flickr creative commons 

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• Instead of saying, “I don’t care” say, “I am not attached (to that opinion, that idea, etc…)”
• Shift your thinking from, “I have to….” to “I get to….”
• Rather than say, “You should do….” say, “What do you think of….?”

When negotiating, one of the most powerful shifts in language is to say, “I am willing to give you…(a lower price, shorter lead time, etc…), if you give me….(a longer contract, consistent payments, etc…).” It is in our human nature to want to trade; long before money all commerce was done by bartering. The more trades you can brainstorm prior to a negotiation the better prepared you will be to offer an effective trade in the moment that will make you both feel good about the deal.  Think about this for your personal negotiations too, “If you are willing to take out the trash every time it is full then I am happy to always empty the clean dishwasher….” or something like that.   

A personal note: I’ve been on sabbatical from writing for the past several weeks and I appreciate you coming back to read my posts! Sometimes a sabbatical is just what is needed to keep on thriving!

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Shift to Guilt

Yes, guilt is actually a good thing sometimes. It is much more productive than the whole shaming thing. I love Social Scientist, Brene Brown‘s research (her TED talk linked); her  years of research shows that using shame never works to change behaviors. Your own or anyone else’s. So, if you are tempted to post a list of the lowest producers or worst sales numbers or lowest anything for anyone, stop! It will just entrench people in their shame and make their production worse. On the other hand, if you can shift them (one on one) to see the behaviors that led to the low performance and feel some guilt around their actions or mistakes, then this will help make some changes in behaviors. It is a shift from, “I am a bad person” (shame) to “I am a person with a bad behavior” (guilt). Brene Brown’s research also shows that people who consistently thrive have have more guilt than  shame.

Focus on Learning & Strengths

What good can come from the mistake or if it is in past, what good came from it? There are always things to be learned from those horrifying errors in judgement. And sometimes it is your over doing of a strength that then became a weakness that partially caused the problem. How can you ratchet that strength back a bit so that you turn it back into a good thing? What will you do differently next time? This shift in focus leads to gratitude for what you have gained and that you don’t have to make that mistake again, now that you learned from it!

Talk About It

If you can share your mistakes, talk about what you learned and use this to help make things better for yourself or for your organization then you have dissolved those feelings of shame that keep you entrenched in re-living old mistakes (and keeps you unproductive). Successful change and thriving happens through discussing your own and empathizing with others’ mistakes. Individuals and businesses get into a downward spiral of trouble by keeping quiet and burying mistakes. It takes some courage to start the conversation, but it is well worth the effort; just be sure the person you are sharing with will be focused on moving forward and not judging you (and entrenching you in more shame).

Think about a mistake you made; how you can use these tips to shift it into a pivotal point for more thriving?

A professional Coach is a great resource for having these conversations to move forward; call me if you get stuck!

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One of my favorite small shifts is having a “walking meeting.” Ask your team if they want to go for a walk around the building to talk as part or all of your meeting. Or if you are meeting a colleague, instead of meeting at a coffee place, meet at a local park and walk while you talk. This little shift will make a big difference in how you can thrive through the conversation.

Another small shift is changing up your routine in how you prepare for the day or drive to your work or a regular appointment. Plan to do your routine in a different sequence and take a different route than you would normally. Notice how this little shift wakes you up to being more fully present and take that presence through the rest of your day. It will shift your brain into more awareness in other activities beyond the small change in your routine.

What small shifts have you made that have you thriving? Please share in a comment.

photo credit via Flickr Creative Commons: The Shopping Sherpa

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“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you wind up being governed by your inferiors.” – Plato

How can you thrive and still participate in the political process, in the midst of all the political mudslinging? Here are some ideas:

• Mute the TV during those commercials (or skip them with your DVR or streaming) Even if it is aligned with your political beliefs, if it is negative or full of fear statements they can pull you into a spiral of negative emotions.
• Minimize your exposure to the news and balance your time with multiple sides of the issues so that you get as much accurate information as possible.
• Keep an open mind and do your homework about the candidates for the offices and propositions on your ballots by looking at different sites on the internet. This allows you to see a lot more information than what can fit into TV sound-bites.
• Resist giving unsolicited advice to those around you who seem to be overly passionate about their views or beliefs and instead lead by example with your ability to keep an open mind and listen to different perspectives.
• If a friend or family is focusing on the negative or fear-based messages and you feel your blood pressure rising or buttons being pushed then take a deep breath and reply, “that’s interesting.” I came across this great link of a guy showing how to recover and reply to anything, “4 Magic Phrases”
• Shift to an attitude of gratitude for our freedom of speech and willingness to accept different views. People who have grown up in other countries have noted how wonderful it is that we can be completely opposed on political views and still be good friends and share a meal. This is not the case in many other parts of the world.
• Finally, keep laughing and lighten up when you feel it becoming overly heavy. Your brain will work better and you will be happier too. “Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to become defeated.” – Will Rogers

I had the opportunity to moderate many of the Arizona State legislative debates this year and two years ago. It has required me to become more bipartisan and neutral in order to give all the candidates fair support and to keep the audience under control. In a recent debate, the tension was very high. I did not hear the specific statements (I deliberately try not to listen to stay as neutral as possible) but I could hear the tone shift and the energy tense up in the room when a candidate went on the attack. And the reverse, when a candidate focused on an issue and stated that he was friends with all the candidates, there was a bit of laughter and relief in the air. Moderating has been a mind-opening experience in recognizing these tensions when I am not paying any attention to their political affiliation.

Here’s to your thriving, even in the midst of all the mud and Happy Voting!

photo credit via Flickr Creative Commons: rstraswser

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