How well do you listen to yourself and others? Do you fully focus on the other person when you are in a conversation and give them space to fully express themselves? Do you give yourself silence during your day to tune into your thoughts?
In our fast-paced, multi-tasking world we tend to miss out on fully focused listening. While on the phone we are sorting through e-mail, thinking about our tasks for the day, or doing a thousand other tasks. You can tell when someone is giving you their full and undivided attention; it is clearly another level of listening that is unfortunately rare today. I catch myself doing this too. Unfortunately, this mode of operation is much more automatic than deliberately stopping and focusing on listening.
Plan Silence to Listen to Yourself
This is a bit different than the typical advice about listening; I suggest that in order to be a better listener of others we first give ourselves space to listen to our own thoughts. Consider your day; do you have any moments of silence? The following list are examples to consider – a few simple steps you can take to give yourself the gift of silence in order to be a better listener. If this is new to you then expect some discomfort at first; it will go away as you practice and I assure you that it will be well worth it:
- Turn off the news in the morning and instead listen to some beautiful music or just to the quiet.
- Turn off the radio in your car and notice the peace and room for your own thoughts.
- Stay in the shower for an extra 2 to 5 minutes and relax under the hot water.
- Try walking meditation. If possible walk out in nature and let your thoughts come and go like clouds passing in the sky.
- Consider starting a gratitude journal and write a few items in it at the end of each day or go through your gratitude list on your commute or when you are doing your exercise.
Focus on Them
After you have given yourself the space to listen to yourself, then focus on being fully present in listening to someone else. Stop your thoughts of what you are going to say next and just be with them; pause and give space before you respond. Often when I am coaching and I pause, this brings forth additional information that the client would not have expressed if I had quickly jumped in to “help.” Focus on how they are reacting to what you say in the conversation. Ask questions and paraprhase their statements back to them with genuine curiosity. Try experimenting with not telling or saying anything about you at all. Of course if they ask you a direct question then answer it but then direct the conversation back to them. People love to talk about themselves. If you do this often enough do not be surprised when people start telling you, “I love talking with you!” Most people do not experience this wonderful gift of full listening and they will be hungry for more.
Please share your ideas for great listening. Or comment on how you felt after a conversation in which you felt truly listened to.
photo credits: ciudadano, niclindh
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