Coaching Strong Leaders: Vulnerable Leaders Are Authentic Leaders 2

I purchased this necklace when I was on a business trip in Singapore. It was years ago, but I remember how I felt like it was yesterday: scared and vulnerable. I was in a big leadership role with big expectations and a big staff reporting in to me. I felt like I was supposed to have all the answers, know what to do and have it all together all the time. My reality was far from this “supposed to” picture I had in my head. My 17-year marriage was ending, I’d spent some time the year before out on a medical leave due to a major depression illness, and I really just felt like crawling under a rock to rest and avoid any more failures.

And yet, here I was half way around the world, successfully participating in big business meetings with colleagues, engaging my analytical brain and putting on my suit every morning. It couldn’t hurt to have the Chinese symbol for “Courage” hanging around my neck. If it were possible,  I would have also purchased a mask that kept a great professional look on my face, you know that “I’ve got it all together!” look. Actually, I already owned that mask and I was good at keeping it on. I wanted to be that great strong “real” leader who people wanted to follow. My mask was doing the opposite, keeping people at a distance and made me more of a “task master” than an inspiring leader. And oh, was it ever exhausting! This Harvard Business Review blog post describes the mask metaphor well, “Leaders Drop Your Masks.”

It would be a few years before I realized how my mask and “supposed to” ideas of having it all together were doing the opposite of my intentions as a leader. It started to come off when I had to do layoffs: I communicated with empathy and even a few tears. And I hired a Coach who helped make me aware of the mask and how it was not serving me.

Now, I’m thrilled to be coaching leaders and professionals on how they can be themselves, be vulnerable and be stronger leaders. I’m grateful for the time I had wearing my mask, as it has made me a better Coach and I notice now when I’m starting to put it back on. I love this quote from Dr. Brené Brown,

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Of course, this does not mean going into a business meeting and baring my soul about wanting to crawl under that rock to rest. Over sharing also drives people away; it’s about letting people see that you’re not perfect and have challenges, being vulnerable, that inspires them to follow you and paradoxically makes you look stronger.

What masks have you worn to protect your vulnerability? How did you manage to take it off?
PS –  I still wear the necklace, especially when I feel like I may be tempted to put on a mask to look good or gain approval, like when I go on a date.