I came across this article, “6 Habits of Remarkable Likable People” on INC’s web site and loved Jeff Haden’s points, especially about how to ask good questions to learn more about the person you are talking to (number 3 about whipping out “social jiu-jitsu”) and number 6, “They ask for nothing.” This is powerful in negotiations too, really understanding the other person and their position helps you to create better agreements. And it just makes you more likable. The key to these habits is that you are genuine, not on a manipulation exercise. The minute you start doing any of them in order to get something, you’ve become less likable.

Spend a few minutes to read the article; which habit will you pick to expand upon as you thrive more this week?

Here’s to your increased likability and thriving!

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“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”  – Daniel Goleman

In my coaching, I have found that people are hungry for this skill and too often we have not developed it enough in ourselves to be able to model it well. Consider how you can continue to grow your empathy skills for more thriving this week.

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It’s all in his approach. Elton Simmons stated that he hates being talked down to so he never talks down to anyone he pulls over and he has an affable easy going way about him with a big smile. If he can manage to give out all that bad news to the general public (in LA traffic!) with zero complaints just think about how you can learn from his approach to deliver bad news to a colleague or customer or supplier or family member. And rather than multiple times a day it only has to be delivered occasionally (hopefully not too often).

Here are some ideas on how to use Elton’s approach for thriving while delivering the bad news:

• Keep your tone at a nice empathetic conversational level, not condescending nor sarcastic or too upbeat.
• Give the benefit of the doubt on their lack of following the rules or not following through, while at the same time holding them accountable (Elton gives a lot of tickets, no less than other Officers).
• Listen to their side of the situation and empathize with their challenges. In the news story they interviewed a person who just received a ticket and they said it was the nicest ticket they had ever received.
• Smile and treat them well. Several people commented on his nice smile and wondered how you could be mad at him. He said he practices this golden rule, “Do good, be good, treat people good.”

Here’s to your thriving while also delivering a message that is not positive; you can do both!

Photo credit via Flickr creative commons: pixieclipx

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In my prior corporate business roles I did a lot of negotiating. Both formal business negotiations with a contract for products and services and less formal negotiations of issues with peers, bosses and teams. In reality, a lot of what we all do comes down to negotiating well! We negotiate to decide what movie to watch or where to go to dinner.

One of the most impactful skills for negotiating win/win agreements is to listen for understanding first,  before you state your position. To do this well, it is much more than a response of, “I understand.” Here is an example:

Bob: “Why can’t we get to an agreement on planning for this family reunion? It is simple enough, I just want you to figure out the date and place and then I’ll help you communicate it out to the whole family.”

Sally, with tension and stress in her voice: “Well it is really not that simple at all, the date has to take into account Aunt Judy’s health issues along with Uncle Jim’s recent job change and then there are all of our kids and the cousin’s school and job constraints that impact the timing…Not to mention the place will cause an uproar if it is planned to far west for the eastern relatives or if it is too far east for the western relatives. How can you even think that this is a simple thing to do?”

Bob: “Oh, I did not realize all of the challenges involved. It makes sense that you are stressed just thinking about all of the responses you will get from each of our relatives. You’re seeing all the different obstacles that may come up and anticipating more of their arguments. You are seeing this decision as very complicated and stressful. Am I describing this right?”

Bob’s response is in an empathetic and neutral tone; it is not sarcastic nor condescending ( if it was then he’s become even more distant from reaching an agreement). If he had just said, “I understand,” then do you think Sally would believe him? The key is to absolutely convince the other person that you understand where they are coming from. And you are not saying you agree with them. In this example I would coach Bob to continue to go back to Sally with replies that confirm he understands until it is clear that she fully believes that he understands how she is feeling and her challenges. If he starts to make a new argument for his position before this is done then he risks continuing to be stuck in a large gap of disagreement versus negotiating a win/win solution and thriving. Over the years, the best sales people I worked with did this very well. Once I felt heard and understood, then I was much more willing to hear their side of the issue so that we could work together to find a solution that worked for both sides.

“It has been said that the cheapest concession you can make to the other side is to let them know that they have been heard.” – Fisher and Ury in their book, “Getting To Yes, Negotiating Agreement With Out Giving In.”

How can you use this information to thrive more and get to yes more often?

photo credit via Flickr creative commons: Dan Goorvitch

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