In my first “real job” at Motorola, I and a coworker had a project to improve the cumbersome process for materials that were rejected for some reason or other and waiting on disposition from one of the Engineers. It was decades ago but I can still see and hear the strain in this little old man who ran this little room (picture a large walk-in closet with a half gated door with a hunched over little man who liked having control of his space), “Paula, she’s (my colleague) talking about completely changing everything and I just don’t know what to do, what she’s suggesting will be a disaster and I don’t know how to stop it…” I smiled and kindly reassured him that the changes we’re making will be positive. When I talked to her about his worries she replied, “I’m not trying to win a popularity contest.” Unfortunately, she missed the point of how building rapport and having people like you went a long way toward making business process changes possible.

This article from the Wall Street Journal, came across my screen recently, “Why Likability Matters More at Work.” It’s main point is that with our change in technology to more web-based video, it is more challenging to come across as likable. The Coach in the article recommends three things to increase your likability on camera, “1. Making eye contact, 2. smiling naturally, 3. varying your tone of voice to convey warmth and enthusiasm.”

These are also helpful off camera and it’s nice that these are teachable skills. Of course if you don’t build some trust and reputation as an expert who follows through then these things alone may only make you popular. My experience is that if you can build a reputation of competence, authenticity and curiosity about other view points and ideas then you will build a level of likability that can serve you in providing more opportunities for success.

If you are too concerned about your likability, you may end up “hustling for approval” as Dr. Brené Brown puts it, and this will take you in the wrong direction. Are your behaviors in alignment with your values? Or are you seeking approval or validation from that person you want to like you? In my earlier example, I kindly reassured the worried man but did not lead him to believe that we wouldn’t be making any changes or try and gain his approval (he would have been happiest and liked me more with no changes at all).

If you want to learn more about how to bravely step up and out while remaining likable, see my The Daring Way page for my next workshop.

Keep your internalGPS on track for more likability by practicing those three steps, continuing to grow your competence, keeping an open and curious mind and checking in with your values.

Photo from Flickr Creative Commons by Divine Harvester

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Many times their interest is driven by a basic human need. Next time you struggle to understand: “Why won’t they agree or even consider my perspective?” One of these needs may be at play: security, economic well being, sense of belonging, recognition, or control. These are strong underlying needs that they may not even fully understand. But, if you can uncover them, then you have a better chance of collaborating for a solution that will meet their need and move you forward to thrive.

A good example from my prior corporate role was when I was trying to execute a cost savings project to centralize the janitorial services across multiple manufacturing sites. Logically, it would save the company a lot of money so it made no sense to me that one of the site General Managers was resisting it so much. Through multiple conversations, it finally became clear that he had an underlying fear that the new supplier would cause problems that ultimately could lead to impacts on his performance. The basic needs of economic security and recognition were both factors. We were able to compromise with an “experiment” of using the new supplier for a specific period of time and if all went well then the project would move forward. This worked for both of us to thrive.

How can you thrive more by understanding others’ interests behind their positions? 

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• Instead of saying, “I don’t care” say, “I am not attached (to that opinion, that idea, etc…)”
• Shift your thinking from, “I have to….” to “I get to….”
• Rather than say, “You should do….” say, “What do you think of….?”

When negotiating, one of the most powerful shifts in language is to say, “I am willing to give you…(a lower price, shorter lead time, etc…), if you give me….(a longer contract, consistent payments, etc…).” It is in our human nature to want to trade; long before money all commerce was done by bartering. The more trades you can brainstorm prior to a negotiation the better prepared you will be to offer an effective trade in the moment that will make you both feel good about the deal.  Think about this for your personal negotiations too, “If you are willing to take out the trash every time it is full then I am happy to always empty the clean dishwasher….” or something like that.   

A personal note: I’ve been on sabbatical from writing for the past several weeks and I appreciate you coming back to read my posts! Sometimes a sabbatical is just what is needed to keep on thriving!

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I came across this article, “6 Habits of Remarkable Likable People” on INC’s web site and loved Jeff Haden’s points, especially about how to ask good questions to learn more about the person you are talking to (number 3 about whipping out “social jiu-jitsu”) and number 6, “They ask for nothing.” This is powerful in negotiations too, really understanding the other person and their position helps you to create better agreements. And it just makes you more likable. The key to these habits is that you are genuine, not on a manipulation exercise. The minute you start doing any of them in order to get something, you’ve become less likable.

Spend a few minutes to read the article; which habit will you pick to expand upon as you thrive more this week?

Here’s to your increased likability and thriving!

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We all negotiate many things every day with family, friends, and colleagues. So, next time you need to have a negotiation or conversation about a disagreement, consider how you can ESCAPE being trampled by the elephant (or emotional mind) and balance your emotions with the logical rider, for a better outcome and more thriving.

Explicit awareness of your emotions, write them down. Note theirs, and name how you are feeling and/or what you are feeling from them. This demonstrates confidence.

Separate people from issue. Be soft on people, hard on the issues. Be aware of your tone. Frame the negotiation as working together to solve a mutual challenge.

Control your fear: Don’t let your fear assume their intentions or overestimate their knowledge of your weakness.

Ask to understand, be curious. Don’t ask to prove you are right or they are wrong. Be curious and interested in really understanding them & their position.

Pause. If they become emotional, don’t react with more emotion that will escalate the emotions even further. Notice your emotions and then hit your “Pause Button” and let them get it out. If you feel your emotions rising too much, take a break away from the conversation or make a request to talk at a different time.

Empathize with their issue/situation. Acknowledge their beliefs and demonstrate that you understand their different point of view (without agreeing with it).

Of course, there is a lot more that could be written about each of these concepts: Explicit, Separate, Control, Ask, Pause, Empathize. If you have questions about any of them, please write a comment for all to learn from the conversation.

Here’s to thriving negotiations in all your disagreements!

photo credit via Flickr creative commons: timekin

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– Einstein

I often coach my business clients about implementing key metrics and measures of their key indicators. It has been my experience that you get what you measure, this week I was reminded to look at this a little differently.

A friend sent me an e-mail with a portion of a TED talk, “Measuring What Makes Life Worthwhile” by Chip Conley. I love and refer to his book, “Peak, How Great Companies Get Their Mojo from Maslow” a lot so I found the video and watched it. I highly recommend taking the 17 minutes to watch the video, but in case you don’t click on the link, I’ve summarized a few key points.

He tells the story of an immigrant maid who works in one of his hotels who taught him about counting her connections with other employees and positive emotional connections with customers. She had a lot of joy in her (seemingly meaningless) job based on these intangible items.

Chip Conley did some research on business leaders and found “that 94 percent of business leaders worldwide believe that the intangibles are important in their business, things like intellectual property, their corporate culture, their brand loyalty. And yet, only five percent of those same leaders actually had a means of measuring the intangibles in their business…. “

Inspired and happy employees equal sizable profits! These are not mutually exclusive. Finding a way to measure the intangible items by asking powerful questions is good for business.

He introduces the King of Bhutan, a small country between China and India, who started measuring GNH (Gross National Happiness) instead of GDP. Forty other countries have since started using this measure. The King has taken the country into democracy with no conflicts or violence (especially interesting with the current events in Egypt). The King explained that he and the government leaders do not create happiness but they do create the conditions for happiness to occur. They have multiple measures and key indicators that they are tracking for these conditions.

One of the things that I’ve recently learned to count is the number of acts of kindness I perform. I learned this through the mPWR10 coaching tool that I became certified to deliver. This measure is based on research from positive psychology and has been proven to increase happiness. Remember happy people and sizable profits are not mutually exclusive!

What can you start measuring or counting today that is meaningful in your work or in your personal life?

photo credit: Bashed via Flickr creative commons

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• Where are you now? Current location – Today’s post
• What are your irresistible destinations? – Next week
• How do you overcome obstacles – January week1
• Celebrating progress and success – January week2

There are several steps I go through with clients to learn their current location: tools to understand your values, strengths, passions, and accomplishments. Since we are at the end of the year, this analysis of your current location is a bit different than my standard model. I started this “annual review” last year, after hearing about the process from my good friend Barbara.

Look back at the year and make a list of the things you did, accomplished, learned, etc…It is up to you how you categorize and what you want to note, the important thing is to keep an attitude of gratitude as you review the year. If your critical voice intrudes with a, “oh, I missed that goal completely or I should have done more of that…” then gently ban that critic from the room and replace it with, “what did I learn? Or how can I do that differently going forward?” and make a note for when you create your new destinations (more in next week’s post). Don’t expend any energy on regret (or “should haves”); it is not useful or productive.

My 2009 review included bullets (or lists) of key events for each month (i.e. “jury duty” – not a real positive one but a memorable event) and lists under these categories: “Movies”, “Books”, “Plays”, “Seminars/Classes”, and “New Friends”. It is really up to you how you want to document your year in review.

After you complete your lists, my unique twist is to now imagine you have just been the unfortunate fatal victim of a car accident and your friends and family are talking about how you lived your last year. Think about and more importantly feel what comes up for you. Note those feelings and any things that pop in your mind for next week’s assignment.

Also, here are some prior posts to help you identify your current location:

How Do I Clarify My Purpose?

What Is Your Purpose?

photo credit: vbecker via Flickr creative commons

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“If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don’t say embrace trouble; that’s as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

Note that he states not to embrace trouble, like you really want it. Or jump in to it and stay there for a long time and keep going back over it again and again. But, do be on good terms with trouble since you will have it in your life. Think about how much more difficult it would be to solve problems or deal with challenges if you had had none to practice with!

In this month’s (Dec 6, 2010 – sorry, no link on line) Fortune magazine there is a great article about Reed Hastings, Netflix CEO. He is also on their cover as the Fortune 2010 “Business Person of the Year.”  Hastings encourages debates and appreciates negative comments to make him better, “I think it is healthy to have smart people make a number of negative arguments about Netflix. It sharpens our thinking.” Many of those smart people had stated that he would be out of business within the first year. He goes on to say, “For me the thrill is making a contribution by solving hard problems.”  The article also gives some background on how he shifted from a very confrontational style of debate to a more coach-like (my words) approach, “When he hears ideas that seem too silly, he doesn’t roll his eyes. Instead he digs deeper. He’ll respond, “I don’t understand why you think that is smart. Help me understand that.”

Hasting’s appreciation for criticism and approach to his team’s ideas that do not make sense to him are great examples of making a friend out of trouble. When you receive criticism or have a problem that is challenging you, keep in mind what you are learning and how you are making a difference and remember that you will always have trouble so make it your friend. It is so much better than embracing it or making it your enemy which will just make it bigger and more of an obstacle on your path to success.

Please share your example of making trouble a friend in a comment.

Post note: My favorite boy, Oliver, is in the picture. He also answers to “Trouble,” from all of his encounters as a younger dog.  That is a desert mouse looking in at him through the window by our front door. I guess you could say one of my best friends is “Trouble” (with four legs and a sweet disposition).

Reference post:

“Stretching for Leadership Growth” – Oct 2009

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Imagine this scenario, you are having a great morning, all goes well at home and you sail through the morning commute and arrive at your office. You are greeted with this message, “Our supplier’s Asian facility burnt down last night and all of our prototypes are destroyed; I don’t have any additional information but will get back to you as soon as I know more.”

There are no back-up plans. Everything is gone. The components have a 6-month lead time and are the critical path for the new product being launched next month. Your blood pressure rises and it is difficult to breath.  Finally, you start to come to your senses and begin assembling the team to tackle this extremely large obstacle.

Unfortunately, this was a very real situation several years ago. As I looked back at that and other challenges I realized that the same communication model worked consistently well at minimizing obstacles:

Early + Clear + Action-Plan + Time-line

Early: As soon as you are aware of the big issue, problem, disaster then pull the key people together and develop your plan.

Clearly: State the issue and implications as concisely as possible.  List the team meeting plans and actions (including open questions) separately.

Action-Plan: Even if the actions are not yet clear, list actions to gain clarity. List one owner per action and be diligent about specific dates. Include a status of when more actions will be developed based upon more information.

Time-Line: Communicate the time line for resolution. If you need more information then at least give a time line of the planned team meeting and when a full time line will be developed based on the additional information.

Use this model when you need to communicate the impact of an obstacle to your customer, boss or other key stakeholders. It will minimize the pain and show them that you are taking clear actions to overcome the obstacle. Be prepared to update your plans based on their feedback but don’t make the mistake of not having a plan. It is much better to present a first draft than to drop the obstacle in their lap with no plan for removal.

Thankfully, the team worked hard to pull all the information together and we survived that supplier’s facility burning down. It was painful but it would have been a lot worse with out the team following this communication model to keep everyone informed and expedite the best solution.

What obstacles have you dealt with and how did you minimize the pain? Please share in a comment.

photo credit: Guillaume Lemoine

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Time is our most precious commodity and the ultimate equalizer. No one can buy more time but you can differentiate yourself significantly through your management of this limited resource.

How do you create more time?

• First identify where your time is going. Don’t trust your memory. Keep a log for a week and note where you are spending your time.
• Ruthlessly review what you are doing and stop doing some of it. In the classic, “The Effective Executive”, Peter Drucker states, “It is amazing how many things busy people are doing that will never be missed.”
• Delegate where possible. Is there someone on your team that will do a better job than you or will grow from this assignment?
• Work from home to accomplish a big project. Lack of interruptions and the elimination of your commute both create more time.

How do you get more done in less time?

• Paradoxically, taking breaks will enable you to get more done. Just standing up, looking out a window and taking a few breaths will re-focus you to be more productive. Regular exercise is one of the best things you can do to keep your brain more productive. Consistently, the most successful executives prioritize exercise into their routines.
• Block your time for uninterrupted thinking. Trying to accomplish a complex project in small 15 or 30 minute blocks of time is ineffective and frustrating. You will be much more productive with hour blocks of time. You manage to block the time for an important Doctor appointment or a meeting with a client, do the same for your big project thinking time.
• Pay attention to when you are struggling with a problem. If you are going round and round and your stress is mounting then stop. You will be more efficient in the long run by shifting to something completely different that distracts your brain. Possibly filing your e-mail or other minimal thinking tasks. Or sleep on it. Many insights to difficult problems come just as you are waking up or in the shower.

If you continually tell yourself, “I have way too much to do and never seem to have enough time” then unfortunately you get to be right. Shift your thinking to choosing how you use your time and that you have the power to manage this precious resource as well or better than anyone else.

What tools have you used to expand your time?  Please share in a comment.

photo credit: Robert van der Steeg

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